shampoo implies shampee
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what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Big Sex has us all fooled
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.