shampoo implies shampee
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I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?