shampoo implies shampee
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A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
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It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*