Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
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*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes