Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
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Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
is the cheesecake factory menu on audible bc i’m not reading all that.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Husband of the year 😂
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
The options really are this bad
