Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

for all #parents out there

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.

-phone call-

Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *