Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*

[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.

And just as delicious.

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life