Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
You Might Also Like
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Can you solve the riddle??
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.