Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
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You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥