Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

Oops I deleted….

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

The Purge: Valentine’s Day

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

This anagram machine is out of order.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.

*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.