Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent