Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

There are two rules in life:

1) Never give out all the information.

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

It’s either five or nothing bro

– if wet wipes could talk

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

Me: why should I use your dish soap

Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck

Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?

Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans