Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday Lisa

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

A Monday every week is excessive