Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Ron is short for Aaronald

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

respect

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop