Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

buys donuts instead

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead Linda

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.

You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?