Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
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Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.