Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
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7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Where’s my employee discount too?
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to