Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
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I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.