[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.