Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
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Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
<- sleeps well with others
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
this is uni
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
this is a sign that you need a union
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed