Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.