Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
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If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
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me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
men are simple creatures
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer: