Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
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Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
fly smarter, not harder
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
If you know, you know 😂🚔
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”