Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
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The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I can’t deal with men any longer
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct