Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*

Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…

“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.

Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.

Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?