Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

Shark week, but for squirrels.

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island