Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

Meant to tell my coworker, “Hey, how’s it going?” but it accidentally came out as, “Raise your hand during a meeting one more goddamn time and I will end you.”

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.