Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year

The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!