[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
You Might Also Like
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.