[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
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that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.