Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.

#topahole

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.