[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
You Might Also Like
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
No chill.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children