[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
You Might Also Like
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
kitchen magnet
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.