[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

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If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.


Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.


Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave


“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online


“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.


Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot


Spending the weekend installing toothpaste-colored carpet since my 3 yr old insists on brushing his teeth while walking around the house…


The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.


When people say “Let’s not get off on the wrong foot here”, I reply “Please don’t get off on either of my feet”.