Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Xylophonist Shredding It
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Printer ink is expensive
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
