Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
As a doctor, I can confirm
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
