SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.