Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

happy valentine’s day to me

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*

Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

Happy Thanksgiving

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”