Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”

Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”