Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are

cellmate: i wish

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.