“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
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Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.