“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
😎 🍻
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.