“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey