“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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You had me at “define legal”.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
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Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.