“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear