“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.