“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.