“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere