shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
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God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”