Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO