Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight