@IndecisiveJones

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

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@Douchekevin

My GFs good traits:

Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon

Bad traits:

Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon

@prufrockluvsong

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

@ilovepie84

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

@rebrafsim

Me: cut, cut! okay dammit, what’s my motivation here?

Judge: I assume you don’t want to go to jail, and if you say cut again I’m holding you in contempt

@Mr_Kapowski

Travel Agent: Hello sir! Interested in a vacation?

Me: *puts cat on the phone*

[20 mins later]

Travel Agent: I’ve got you booked for Maui

@PinkCamoTO

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

@Chumpstring

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

@NicestHippo

In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years

@RamblingMachine

Some fairy tales start with “once upon a time”. Others start with “If I won the elections”.

@Jamberee13

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you