Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers

WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*

I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.

Pick one and get out of my face.

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards