Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:

5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…

[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.