Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

no cat here

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

Banderslack Clamberdorch

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

ME: I really think I could win Survivor!

ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

Me trying to look natural in photos

Me: Okay, you’re up

Kid: …. Trick or Treat

Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!

Kid: Mom, this is stupid

Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.