Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

The second world war should have been called world war returns

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)