Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

i was baptized in a car wash

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.