Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

same vibe as tangled headphones

Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

Mission: Impossible

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?

Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”