Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love it! 👍😂

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

The options really are this bad

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?

That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

*phone rings*

Girlfriend: Hello.

Me: Hi, baby.

GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!

M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.

GF: No, you told me.

M:

GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?

M: Are they available?