Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

Happy Star Wars day!

Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?

Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so

Doctor: Reese is a lovely name

Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

at ease…shoulder.

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry