Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

This week’s mood.

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it