Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

I have a place for everything. The floor.

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers