[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
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This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
A dating app called Unhinged where you agree to meet up and fight each other.
Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB