Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.

Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

You: Would you like a keto burger?

My Anaconda: No.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine