Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging

On Facebook:

Them: Look! We’re at the beach!

Me: Look! I’m in your house!

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?

HER: I don’t even like you now

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040