Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

*Backstreet Boys voice*

Am I acceptable?

Oh, I bet you would be

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

I would like even faster food.

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.