[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
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Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
The Friday File.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.