Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

Instagram: look how pretty everything is

Facebook: look how easy everything is

Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest

Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is

My dog ate my work from home.

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.