Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”

ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:

“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate