[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
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MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Forever 21… pounds overweight
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.