*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
You Might Also Like
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!