@AndrewChamings

[shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening

[shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening

- @AndrewChamings

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I talk a lot of shit for someone who still says “righty tighty lefty loosy” before turning anything

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I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..

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“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

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@4SLars

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

@AmericanGent69

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

@junejuly12

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

@1Happytwit

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

@dubstep4dads

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

@JermHimselfish

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

@doritoburritho

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D