[shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening

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Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.


Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.


Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.


When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.


Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!



Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)


Date: “I don’t like Taco Bell.”

*Pushes her in front of a bus.*


The crocodile is the most relatable character in Peter Pan because he really just wants to devour that one specific guy but will also happily eat whatever garbage that guy throws at him.