@AndrewChamings

[shark tank]
me: ridiculously wide sunglasses
shark 1: i’m out
shark 2: i’m out
hammerhead shark: i’m listening

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@IamJackBoot

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

@kimtopher22

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

@WilliamAder

Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.

@Eagle_Vision

When I was 16 years old, the morning of my birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed.

@recursivetaco

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

@Parentpains

Date: “I don’t like Taco Bell.”

*Pushes her in front of a bus.*

@iamspacegirl

The crocodile is the most relatable character in Peter Pan because he really just wants to devour that one specific guy but will also happily eat whatever garbage that guy throws at him.