Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

it is time once again

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

Still cracks me up

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand