[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
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My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Me trying to “trust the process”
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross