[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
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My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I want what they have
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.