Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

my friends when i can’t do basic math

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

No flush

My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

One venti cheeseburger please.

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs

me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.