Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.