Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one